I have never really loved myself. There is a way too judgmental guy sitting in my brain constantly belittling me. This is not something new. This guy is there with me ever since I started thinking I guess. I don’t like him but at the same time I can’t let go off him either. He keeps reminding me of how bad I look, how worse my memory is, how much a fake guy I am in everything I speak of. I get reminded of all my attributes. Hypocrite, lazy, noob, average, weak and everything worse about me. I sometimes try to stand up for myself and fight with him. “I am not all the above”, I would scream. “I can be those at times. But I am not entirely those attributes. Definitely not”. But he throws arguments in a way so convincing I end up believing him. Apparently he is with me ever since I started thinking, so probably he is correct. I am all those. Aren’t I? I can never be exceptional in any of the path I choose. I can never master anything because I am so weak to accept failure. Forget accepting, I can’t even think of failing. I place an argument in the internet, and I am fixated on one person who disagrees with me even though there are so many who are agreeing with me. I keep thinking I failed to convince this one person and because of that, I am a failure as a whole? I have too many fixations like this. That one person who ghosted me out of nowhere. That one person who described me as, not good looking enough to be in a relationship right on my face. That one person who treated me like shit just because I was poor. That one person who I couldn’t hit back in a fight. That one person who I lost to in a heated argument. That one person who I couldn’t save. The guy in my head makes sure that I remember all this. Every now and then I try to fight back with this guy only to loose miserably. Then I read this somewhere.
If you’re trying to love yourself, you already do
I keep losing to this guy, but I never stopped fighting him. Some of the things he says about me, are may be true. I accept my flaws, but that doesn’t mean I agree with him entirely that I don’t deserve anything. I keep fighting this guy with all me heart and that is a sign that I love myself. Maybe there is another guy in my brain, hiding in a corner, who loves me so much but too afraid to say so. I have to reach him. All I have to do is to not listen to the first guy. It is definitely going to be a hard journey. But I will. May be the other guy knows me very well to understand that I deserve to win. That I am deserved to be loved.
Love yourself. With all your heart.